Tuesday, March 28, 2006

Where your gas money goes!

Did you every wonder where your money goes when you buy a gallon of gas? Most of us assume that we are paying for the yacht of some Texas Oil Man... and we may be, but it goes a lot farther than Texas. Since a majority of our oil comes from overseas, it follows that a majority of our money is headed there as well.

Let's visit the home of one of the oil barons of the Middle East. Skeikh Zayed bin Sultan Al Nahyan - he's part of the United Arab Republic and runs the city of Abu Dhabi.

This is his HOUSE...

Nice crib... you and I paid for it, but we're probably not welcome there.

We could do something about it. We could keep some of the oil money here, but that would require a little drilling in Alaska. The idea was first pitched by President Jimmy Carter and it sounded like a good deal when he gave it to us... but now it's a bad idea? I don't understand.

This is a bedroom in the Sultan's place. If we drilled in the ANWAR province in Alaska - this guy would need to rent out his place for timeshares... and the view is nice - look.

Consider working on making America less dependent on foreign oil. We must have a two pronged attack - focus on alternative energy and the oil below our own ground!

Carry on! Think globally - Act Locally!

Monday, March 27, 2006

Bad Timing...

Of course my rant against NASCAR runs the day that a IRL race car driver dies in Miami. Paul Dana was just 30 years old. He was by all accounts a good man, who did not deserve to have his life cut short in a crash.

Out of respect for Paul and his family... We apologize to anyone who was offended by the timing of my comments.

The content is still valid. The timing unfortunate.

Thanks for re-reading that line.

Sunday, March 26, 2006

NASCAR drives me crazy

I know, I know... you loyal readers of this blog are thinking, MIKE, how many times can you rail against the turbo-charged, red-necked machine that is NASCAR? Until they get it right!

NASCAR is a fine bit of entertainment. But after a few crash-free laps I begin to lose interest in all the pretty logos blasting by the cameras at 180mph and start thinking about how boring it would be to actually be sitting there... a few feet away as they blur past. The only thing you can do is eat and drink and discuss how the "sport" has changed since the advent of the mandatory neck harness.

NASCAR calls itself the most-watched, most-popular "sport" in America and I'm guessing that could not say that if it were not true. Aside from a casual interest in the races, none of my friends watch it on a regular basis and I'd venture to guess that only a handful of my acquaintances have any interest in attending a race. And yet, NASCAR is so important that "Nascar Dads" were credited with turning the tide in our last Presidential campaign. That kind of power spells trouble in any arena.

I like to refer to this type of mob mentality as “stupidity clusters.” Something really dumb catches on with the lowest common denominator and suddenly a wave of unproductive, and very destructive behavior is entrenched in our society.

What most concerns me about NASCAR’s stupidity clusters, is what Joe Six-Pack has learned from it.

Thanks to NASCAR the average idiot now believes that he is driving a car which can safely travel close to 200 mph AND that he’ll get better gas mileage if he follows me so closely that we can actually fight over which radio station plays the best Country Music.

Thanks to NASCAR mens fashions now include an entire years worth of wardrobe choices that memorial the late Dale Earnhardt and his #3.

Thanks to NASCAR If you can find a bunch of guys who can change four tires and filling a gas tank in under 30 seconds, you are the greatest person alive. (it’s all about priorities)

I’m not against motorsports as entertainment. And, as anyone who’s ever traveled any distance in my car will tell you, I’m not against driving fast. What’s got me all worked up today is the lack of responsibility in connection with the NASCAR nation.

Where are the Public Service Announcements about safe driving?

Where was NASCAR when oil prices skyrocketed? After the Arab Oil Embargo in the 70s we actually cutback on the length of car races in order to save fuel. Not this time.

Nascar has a debt of responsibility to pay back to America. Nascar makes hundreds of millions from their fans. They should also impart a few bits of wisdom and good example. On their website, Nascar does list the various driver-related vanity charities and that’s a good thing… but how about something along the lines of what the NFL does with United Way? Utilize the entire sport to focus on one effort as opposed to each driver glorifying themselves as charitable entities.

Gentlemen start your engines and take a few laps on the old “Give Back 500.”

Thursday, March 23, 2006

Rape is Rape... Unless You're Pretty.

The above shot is a picture of Toni Woods, a teacher in Florida who had sex with a student.

And this is Dana Lafave. She was a teacher who had sex with a 14 yr old student.

Want to guess which one got jail time and which one is going free?

This is insane, but true. AND both cases were in Florida.

Do pretty people get better treatment? Look at the photos again and tell me which person got a free pass.

I shudder to think what might have happened Toni Woods had been a person of color or even of Middle Eastern heritage.

Justice needs to be blindfolded... not just blind.

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

Joan Rivers Achieves Critical Mass!

Today it was announced that Joan Rivers is looking for love on the Internet.

Yes, Joan Rivers. THAT Joan Rivers... plastic surgery addict, Botox victim, jewelry saleswoman, shameless promoter of her (not-so-talented) daughter, former comedian and now Jocelyn Wildenstein Stunt-Double has decided that she wants love.

The 72yr old Joan posted a profile with help from her assistant. I wonder if he's also going on the dates with suitable suitors?
Of course she's not doing this because she struck out on J-Date or because the Match.com spots with Doctor Phil had such an impact on her... She's doing it because the good people at Match.Com are paying her a ton of money to look for love online.

Sad. Very sad.

No, go look her up and let's all bombard Joan's profile with inquiries!

Monday, March 20, 2006


Read carefully. Drink in the words here. Think about their meaning.

"There can be no divided allegiance here.

Any man who says he is an American, but something else also, isn't an American at all.

We have room for but one flag, the American flag. We have room for but one language here, and that is the English language ... and we have room for but one sole loyalty and that is a loyalty to the American people."

Those bold words were spoken by the President of the United States of America. In 1907. President Teddy Roosevelt - a brave and forward thinking man who cared deeply about this country. He gets credit for developing the National Parks system which has provided and protected so much land for millions to enjoy. But for the statements above, which were made in 1907, he gets my respect.

Our country faces myriad challenges, but none so great or as wide-reaching as controlling who gets into the system. President Roosevelt understood that fact when he spoke those words 99 years ago. They resonate today with amazing clarity. Read them again and then call or write your senators and other elected officials. We are the UNITED States of America. One flag, one people.

Thursday, March 09, 2006

Proof of Life on Other Planets!!!

Nasa leaked the big news... They're going to pull back the curtains on a major discovery. We hear that NASA has scientific proof that life exists on other planets. Big Effing Deal.

The budget crunch is on and these brainiacs are busy turning up the heat in the Justification Department in order to keep their billion-dollar entitlements and cushy long-term careers that bring hope to all nerds and space junkies who believe that we are a better country if we can kick everyone's butt when it comes to Space Exploration... but I digress.

So the NAS-Holes have come up with some validation for their gigs... and it's called life on other planets. But I already knew that there was life on other planets, decades ago... and all you have to do is look at a map. And a really old map if you want to fully grasp this concept.

Life on other planets is easily proved by the maps that we had long before man discovered aerial photography, satellite imaging or even thought of looking down from a mountain to draw the land below him. There is just no way possible that even a small fraction of the maps we seen from the time of Christ to present day could have been drawn by anyone human... Those maps were made by someone with a space craft who could hover over Earth and sketch out the details...

I've been thinking that Amerigo Vespuci may have been an alien. It was this talented cartographer who convinced Colombus to sail off the edge of the Earth to find a new land... And he was "so certain it was there".

Life on other planets? Nasa gets a big DUH on this one... They (the visitors) have been here for years, centuries. All we had to do was look at the map to find them.

Tuesday, March 07, 2006

America... we'll pay by the pound, thank you.

Today's papers were all awash in stories about the dismal future facing the youth of America. According to the latest medical study, by the year 2010, more than 50% of the American Youth will be OBESE. Check that stat... in less than four years, over half of the kids in this country will be FAT... OBESE... officially UNHEALTHY and a burden to not just their families, but our economy.

We all understand the implications of this realization. Aside from the problems that the children face - the taunting and the abuse they will experience from their peer groups - obese children are time bombs. They are ticking time bombs that will ultimately explode and destroy their lives as well as drag the economy into a rut.

The economy has enough challenges with caring for the elderly who cannot contribute to the system any longer. Factor into that equation a population of youth, more than half of whom are overweight and we've got a real problem.

SOLUTION? Of course!

Let's incentivize health and healthy lifestyles.

If you smoke... you pay more into every health care system because you arew going to use more of it.

If you weigh more than 110% of the suggested healthy weight for a person of your weight/age/height - you pay more into the system because you are going to use more of it.

And let's put that same theory into play in all aspects of the economy.

Give the kids a free pass until they hit 18 and are of their majority. Once a person hits 18, they pay by the pound for everything. A ticket on a plane... per pound. You pay for what you use!

I guarantee that we would use less and really - only what we need to use.

This system will help people get healthy and use less of EVERYTHING!

The benefits are MASSIVE. Healthier Americans means a healthier economy... more productive workers... more profitable companies... Are you with me?

Monday, March 06, 2006

Oscar Doesn't Hate Gay People... The Academy Just Loves Itself More

Post-Oscar hangover. There is no real cure, is there?

I can just see the clever headlines in those industry papers... "Cowboys Surprised By Crash" --- "Crash Breaks Broke'sBack" ---there are more and more and more, but what's the use?

The Velvet Mafia had all the pins lined up and ready to fall, but it was not to be. Never underestimate the power of the ego. The Academy of Motion Picture Arts & Sciences votes for the Oscar winners... And this year's Best Picture Award was a simple call. When in doubt, the Academy will vote for itself.

CRASH is a film ABOUT Los Angeles, starring half of Los Angeles... So who are they going to vote for? A couple of ranch-hands playing footsie on their annual cattle drive or themselves.

Given the opportunity to choose between my neighbor and myself getting "Yard of the Month" - I'm a shoe in, even if his front lawn looks like the fairways of Augusta.

Stop acting so surprised. You'd do it too.

Sunday, March 05, 2006

Donor 401 may be the father of Michael Jackon's Children!


After further review of the facts surrounding the just-bubbling Donor 401 story and the latest news/smarmy tales coming from the bizarro Jackson family, I think I'm on to something.

(For those who did not read the last few days blogs or missed the Today Show on Thursday... Donor 401 is the anonymous sperm donor whose seed has become so popular among women wanting a child sans father, that his story could unseat the Port Deal of Cheney Shootings in our news machines.)

So I believe that DONOR 401 is the father of Michael Jackson's first two children! And the only one who can tell us is Debbie Rowe (She's not speaking so she can continue to collect whatever hush money Michael is allowed to ship out of Dubai.)

Let's review the FACTS. Michael Jackson is (underneath the makeup, plastic surgery and skin bleaching) a black man. The mother of his first two (allegedly Jackson fathered) children is Debbie Rowe, a white woman, and the kids are as Nordic looking as Austrian Olympic Cross-Country Ski Team. Dare I call them ARYAN?

Now let's review what we know about DONOR 401. 6ft-4in tall, athletic, and GERMAN!

One look at the kids and we must accept the truth that they are not Michael Jackson's biological children... so there is a real possibility that Debbie Rowe did what many other woman have done - selected DONOR 401.

Michael Jackson does have another child from another woman and another donor... oddly enough this was the baby he dangled over the edge of the hotel balcony IN BERLIN GERMANY!!! (Was he bringing his children to visit their Fatherland?)

As the Donor 401 story continues to unfold, I will be here covering it all, or uncovering it all for you. And gently reminding you that Donor401 clothing is available online at www.cafepress.com/stuntbrain.

Saturday, March 04, 2006


There are precious few things I find more curious than the explosion of TV programming filled with people playing card games.

Weekly TV Poker tournaments are a genuine mystery to me and that mystery is compounded when you factor in the avalanche of shows featuring "celebrities" playing poker.

Admittedly, I have a small curiosity about the characters who play in those annual million dollar, winner-take-all poker games. Those events seemed pure and feature genuine oddballs and the rare breed of professional gambler that we (the other 99.5% of the population) never run into during our annual trip to a Native American Casino (read "reparations settlement"). These players were guys with funny names like "The Hat" and they wore those "Blu-Blocker" sunglasses advertised during early morning fishing shows on ESPN2.

When one of these characters happens to win the big pot, it becomes a life-changing experience, a bona fide ticket on the gravy train to "Comp-ville" that all gamblers seek.

A few years back some executive at a basic cable network got a hold of poker and decided to force feed it to us on a weekly basis... And oh, yeah, if we want it to be really good TV... Let's add some celebrities/actors to the show.

Adding celebs to televised poker games was more tragic than anything else. It exposed the shallow reality that many of them accept as real life. I also wanted to know if they were playing with their own money? Doubtful... And if they lost, did they suffer any substantial penalty? The real beauty of any rags to riches story is just that... rags to riches...

You don't find rags to riches stories in a game with four celebrities sitting around a table wondering if their next 10mil a pic deal includes royalties on the video game sales.

Here's a little tip. Actors are people who read the words of those generally more intelligent than they are, a group called writers. Without writers, a majority of actors daily work would include explaining today's specials to you... and even those words are written by someone else.

Televised Celebrity Poker won't be stealing any of my TV or TIVO time... unless you get Matt Damon, George Clooney, Brad Pitt, Johnny Depp, and Matthew McConaughey playing in a winner-take-all tourney for the next big movie role. Losers work six months as extras, for scale, no back-end, no luxury jets or trailers, real world - real work. Now that's gambling I'd watch.

Gotta Go... A&E has the opening round of $50,000 USA Rock-Paper-Scissors Tourney starting in just a few hours and I need to bone-up on the subtle nuances of RPS.

Friday, March 03, 2006


(Well, perhaps someone in her office reads this blog.)
Yesterday, NBC's Today Show jumped on the DONOR 401 bandwagon and had all 11 moms on the air! (I told you this was a big deal)

Donor 401 has serious implications which must be addressed.

What happens if people start procreating based on genetic makeup and not on love and the natural attraction?

What happens if Donor 401 or another like him becomes a Super Donor and fathers hundreds or thousands of children? Will we be creating a genetic superstorm that will ultimately pose serious risks of inbreeding?

Think of the long term.

Wednesday, March 01, 2006

WHO IS DONOR 401? (I think I know him)

This is the craziest story of the year, so far.

The following is a small excerpt from the NY Post (www.nypostonline.com) from a column written by Todd Venezia.

"A group of 11 bold, independent women from around the country have recently met online and forged this new kind of relationship after discovering their children were sired by the same donor from a Virginia fertility clinic: known only as donor 401."

You get the picture?

A man who works in Washington, DC and has been officially designated as "Donor 401" has fathered at least 11 children with women all around the country. He is a regular depositor at the Fairfax Cryobank sperm bank outside of DC. and apparently his genetic cocktail is as popular as cosmopolitans among the single-women-desiring-to become-mommies. And now the moms are getting together.

Two thoughts crossed my mind when I read this story.

#1. I need to register www.donor401.com right away and start designing clever t-shirts and hats ASAP (done, please shop).


#2. Oprah is probably rounding up all 11 for a special sweeps week two-show special with a Dr. Phil crossover!

Then I started thinking... why this guy? What makes 401 so popular? What's he got that 402 or 400 don't have? Fertility clinics do not reveal identities, but they do allow their buyers to scan a small bio. Mr. 401 has the following on his "standard equipment" list: 6-foot-4 and athletic, a master's degree and is of German heritage.

But wait, there's more! On the "Essay Portion" of his chart, 401 adds that his own mother is "a ray of light." One of the mommies says she picked him based on that line... her words, not mine "such a nice guy."

Like you, I started playing the "Who is Donor 401?" game. Think about everyone you know who works in DC... is 6-4 and has a Masters Degree... (Insert Clinton joke here - he could be lying about the German part.)

I'm fairly certain that a few scripts are already in development for "Law & Order", but that will take weeks - if you just can't wait that long... visit the website, buy a shirt, a hat, or both and wear them in public. If 401 happens to see you, he might step up and introduce himself in time for Father's Day.