Tuesday, June 06, 2006

Satan Gets A Reality Show - on channel 666!

Are we that bored? Do we really have nothing going on this summer? A date on a calendar is once again transforming, bending, twisting, interrupting people's lives! We survived the Millennium Bug, why? BECAUSE NOTHING HAPPENED - we'll survive this too.

For the record - Today June 6th, 2006 - THE SIXTH DAY OF THE SIXTH MONTH OF THE SIXTH YEAR OF THE 21ST CENTURY. The day when nothing will happen, nothing out of the ordinary. Oh sure, people will be murdered by loved ones, get hired and fired from work, and any number of "everyday" occurrences - but NOT because the numbers lined up on a Christian calendar I can assure you:

There will be no river of fire replacing the Hudson.

Snakes will not flow from the faucets.

And the skies will not darken and swirl with a cloudy whirlpool that opens to reveal a gateway to a Hell worse than any Tom Arnold TV show.

How do I know this?

Simple. I opened the windows this morning and listened to the birds sing for a good half hour. And we all know from watching movies that any time an Apocalypse is on the agenda, the animals get ominously quiet and leave. They have a deal with God, especially the birds. So, singing birds = no impending doom.

There will be an endless parade of stories about the subject. Women not wanting to give birth today, etc. To those fools I say - HAH! This would be the ONE day to have your child. Think of the attention you would get from the medical staff - and not just those checking the kid for horns! If nobody wants to have a child today - delivery rooms may be empty as hell (pardon the comedy) and empty delivery rooms mean more doctors and nurses per baby!

On the news tonite we'll also see people buying clever t-shirts, partying in cities like Hell, Michigan, and every office has one person who will pull out the Halloween horns and walk around the workplace speaking like Linda Blair just before she taught the world about projectile vomiting.

Enjoy this 6th day of June! Celebrate the wonders of your life! Wait a minute, the birds have stopped singing - Ok, they're back... Whew. For a minute there, I thought I was going to have to re-write this whole column, now THAT would have been hell.


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