Monday, July 10, 2006

Birthdays for someone else... really.

For the past few months I've been fascinated with the birthday rituals we all maintain. If (and when) I am made Emperor these rituals will change or be completely eliminated.

I'm guessing the whole concept was "born" centuries back when it was actually an accomplishment for a child to reach it's first year of life. That alone would be cause for a celebration. The advances of medicine, sanitation and nutrition have made the infant mortality rate a miniscule fraction of what it was back-in-the-day. Sadly the celebrations did not shrink in proportion. Instead they seem to have gone quite the other direction, to the point of absurdity.

Children's birthday parties are a multi-billion dollar industry. And teen birthday parties are so out of control that MTV has created a reality series to chronicle the obscene spending - it's called "My Super Sweet 16" and if you ever want to see the end of civilization as we know it - find this show and watch with jaw-dropping shock.

So, in the interest of saving the world, I offer my solution to the birthday party problem; Everyone - you, me, your cute-as-hell nephew gets to celebrate our birthdays with parties and gifts and bad singing at Japanese steak houses for the first 10 years of your life and any year you make it past 70.

The other years, if someone wants to do something to celebrate your Nativity - how about they make a donation to a charity in your honor? Buy a bunch of toys for Toys for Tots, feed the hungry, send a phone card to a soldier SOMETHING positive.

Of course the people at CHUCKIE CHEESE and HALLMARK and SPENCER'S GIFTS will be gunning for me - but that's the price you pay when you are Emperor.

And to my niece and nephew who are celebrating their 21st birthdays in two days... I have good news and bad news. The good news is - you can now legally drink in all 50 states. The bad news, you can now legally drink in all 50 states. Happy Birthday kids - sorry about killing your party. See ya when you hit 70!


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